


ordinary

by angelminhos



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Acephobia, Angst, Asexual Hirai Momo, Asexuality, Bisexuality, Drabble, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Internalized Acephobia, Self-Hatred, Sexuality Crisis, lots of sex mentions lmao, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-16 17:02:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21274652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelminhos/pseuds/angelminhos
Summary: momo always thought she was pretty normal for a high schooler. it never occurred to her that her ordinary feelings were actually different.





	ordinary

**Author's Note:**

> This is... sort of heavy, I guess. I’ve been struggling quite a lot recently and figured this is the best thing to do. It’s a lot of my inner thoughts and stuff and idk just don’t judge me??? ^^’

momo always thought she was pretty nornal for a high schooler. totally ordinary. her disinterest in sex? standard. 

nobody was actually interested in sex, right? the jokes everyone told were just that — jokes. it wasn’t like they meant it when they talked about wanting to sleep with people. 

she first came to the realisation that maybe it wasn’t really all that ordinary after reading something about asexuality. it was a short story about a band she liked, but it got her to think. 

sure, she’d had plenty of crushes before. most of them weren’t that big, just finding certain girls or boys good looking and getting a little awkward. but then there were the huge crushes she’d had. like chungha, the girl she saw at the bus stop everyday. she was the year above momo, but always made conversation with the younger girl. it captivated her heart (not to mention that chungha was beautiful). 

but even with chungha, momo never wanted that. she wanted to go on dates with chungha — she once spent an hour sat in a café just thinking about one day bringing her there with her — and she wanted to kiss her or hold hands or watch bad rom-coms together. but the thought of being intimate with her honestly kind of grossed momo out. it wasn’t of interest to her. it never was. no matter who she thought about, every crush she’d ever had. she hated the idea of sex. 

that didn’t necessarily mean she was ace though, right?

momo didn’t want that. she didn’t want to be different, just wanted to be like everyone else she knew. it certainly didn’t help that her best friend had openly mocked aces to her before. sure, she probably just didn’t understand it, but that did nothing to calm her down. the fear spread through her in a heartbeat, and then tears were streaming down her face. 

was it ok for her to be like this? she didn’t know. 

the next day, she tried to do more research, seeing if maybe it wasn’t just her. everything she read confirmed that she was, in fact, on the asexual spectrum.

nobody noticed her puffy eyes when she got to school that day. 

momo knew she couldn’t come out. she’d spent years trying to be like everyone else, making pointless, meaningless jokes that would stop anyone from believing her now. she was stuck. alone. hopeless. 

she tried to hold a little bit of hope, and called sana, her best friend, that night. 

“oh, momo! i saw this film earlier, and the main lead could totally top me. like...” sana trailed off, “totally. you know?” 

momo tried to take a breath, praying sana didn’t hear the way it shook.

“yeah. i get it.” another shaking breath. “do you really mean that though? would you fuck her?” 

“yes. absolutely. her cheekbones could cut me and i’d thank her, y’know? her top energy? immeasurable and super hot.” 

she could practically hear sana’s smirk down the phone, feel the blush on her friend’s cheeks, but she felt sick. 

she felt disgusting. abnormal. 

it was the first time she’d felt this horrible about her sexuality. when she realised she was bi, she didn’t see it as a big deal. she was young and naive then. not like she is now. being asexual shouldn’t be a big deal, and yet it felt huge to her. dangerous, even. 

of course, deep inside, momo knew that asexuality wasn’t a bad thing. there was nothing wrong with her. however, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was... a freak. a failure. a disgrace. 

she read more blog posts about the spectrum that night, trying to either confirm or deny her theory. it continually confirmed it, so she cried herself to sleep again for the fourth night in a row. 

she didn’t know who she was anymore. 

but she knew she’d make peace with herself some day. she’d be proud to be asexual, whether it cost her friends or love or anything. it wasn’t much, but it was enough hope to not break down. 

so momo held onto that slither of hope. one day she’d be ok as she was. 

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: I did actually read a fic that really put the pieces in places for me. It was ‘if you push it down, it's you’ by 3racha (i’d link but i’m posting via the mobile site ^^’). Though it was focused on being aromantic, it definitely made me realise things


End file.
